“Don’t Mention It.” Sacrifice is only a sacrifice if you believe it to be a sacrifice.
“Thank you for letting me have the umbrella.”
I had to pause. My son was sincerely grateful for what he considered to be a sacrifice on my part. What he didn’t realize was that, to me, it wasn’t a sacrifice at all. Part of the reason for this piece is to journal that beautiful moment for my own memory. It set the tone for the rest of the morning. For that, I, myself, am grateful.
The rest of my reason for writing this is philosophical. That story about a boy and his dad includes an interesting point about sacrifice: It is in the eye of the beholder. Not all sacrifice is costly. Suffering is relative and so is gratitude.
In an exchange of favors, expected gratitude is based entirely on the recognition and appreciation of the parties involved. In short, favors have to be noticed, by both sides.
What my son was appreciating was the fact that, in that moment, I was to get wet and he was to stay dry because of my decision to let him use the umbrella. He noticed that I was willing to suffer in order for him to be comfortable. I loved that he was grateful. I also love that he expressed it out loud. I think he’s going to be OK in life.
Here’s what my son did not consider:
There was another umbrella available. I could have taken it.
I didn’t have any face-to-face (virtual or physical) meetings planned for a while
I was wearing a hat and a hooded sweatshirt
I don’t have any hair to be messed up
BIG ONE HERE: In that unique circumstance, carrying another umbrella is more of an annoyance than a comfort.
Here’s what I may not be considering:
There’s a chance that my son DID realize that I wasn’t truly suffering but expressed gratitude for the small inconvenience anyway. This point could be irrelevant. If we look at this situation from my side alone (the side of the favor DOER), it wouldn’t matter WHY the recipient of my giving was grateful, as long as they expressed that gratitude to me.
Regardless of what he understood at the time, my son could have rejected the idea of showing gratitude altogether. He could have easily thought, “He’s wearing a hat and a hoodie and he’s bald. It doesn’t matter if he gets wet because he doesn’t have any meetings planned. Of course, he should give me the umbrella. I’m the one who needs to look sharp at school.”
The counter-thought from me could have been, “Here I am giving this kid the umbrella so that he can stay dry and he isn’t appreciative enough to say thank you.”
You can see how when the interaction falls in this way, there is conflict. This must happen often but not as often as the other results.
There are only 4 directions in which a favor can be assessed:
The favor receiver DOES appreciate the sacrifice - the favor doer DOES consider it a sacrifice = NO CONFLICT
The favor receiver DOES NOT appreciate the sacrifice - the favor doer DOES NOT consider it a sacrifice = NO CONFLICT
The Favor receiver DOES appreciate the sacrifice - the favor doer DOES NOT consider it a sacrifice = NO CONFLICT (what happened between my son and I)
The Favor receiver DOES NOT appreciate the sacrifice - the favor doer does DOES consider it a sacrifice = CONFLICT
Lesson 1: Always say “Thank you.”
3 our of 4 of the potential scenarios happen without any interpersonal conflict. The only way that conflict is possible is when the favor receiver does not appreciate what they have received. This is why our mothers taught us to say “thank you” whenever we were given anything. A lack of gratitude causes conflict and, as Mom feared, does not improve the chances of people liking and helping the ungrateful person.
Lesson 2: Don’t consider sacrifices to be sacrifices
The opportunity in this story that could lead to personal improvement has to do with perspective. If my favor was painless because I did not consider it to be painful, then we can use that strategy to overcome other challenging or difficult actions. If my sacrifice for my son was not a big inconvenience in my mind, then the sacrifices I make for other reasons could also be pleasant.
Physical examples are always useful. So, let’s apply this philosophy to a physical action: exercise. Exercise can be a big challenge for most of the population. It can be difficult and certainly is in the beginning. Our bodies get sore and can hurt as a result of a workout. We may feel too tired to execute the movements. We may feel embarrassed doing strange movements in public.
If we apply my “oblivious to the discomfort” mindset to this challenge we could alter the thoughts to:
“This exercise is not that challenging.”
“This is only hard because I just started exercising. It will be easier very soon.”
“I’m not really too sore.” “I’m not sore at all.”
“I actually have a lot of energy.”
“Nobody is watching me so it doesn’t matter how I look while exercising.”
Will this last set of responses help? It’s difficult to say without experimenting.
But, what we know for sure is that, whether it works initially or not, seeing painful challenges as painless is the only way to consistently overcome those challenges and make your journey more comfortable along the way.
We are not machines. It’s difficult (and unnecessary) to absorb abuse and hardship. We naturally try to avoid discomfort. And, even if we are able to tolerate pain, we probably won’t be able to tolerate it forever. But, this is only a problem when we consider experiences to be hardships, uncomfortable or painful.
Look at how you view the challenging things in your life. Can a change in perspective make them less challenging?
With some practice, you may be able to think of hard things as easy. And then you can say to life what you say to the people who thank you, “It was nothing.”
Burak Uzun is an award-winning writer and a Certified Meditation Teacher.
Burak Uzun also co-wrote a feature film called Team Marco, which was featured in over fifty film festivals around the globe and was distributed by Samuel Goldwyn Films.
Please feel free to reach out to Burak here.
Learn more about SOCA LLC and Burak’s classes here.