This Is About People…Who Trigger Us

With advancements in modern technology, we can control almost all of the natural environment, almost all of the time. Modern construction, engineering, and medicine make the challenges of yesterday the afterthoughts of today. Today things like snowfall, heatwaves, or even wild animals usually play no part in disturbing our inner peace. We have mastered the natural world which rattled our ancestors’ peace of mind for centuries. It must have been difficult to “be zen” while shivering in the cold, sick from dehydration, or being consumed by killer insects.

We are so comfortable, that there’s only one thing that we can’t control: Other People

We will never be able to control others because any technology that would allow you to control someone else could be used both for you and against you, negating that feature. This is not an excuse to fall off of your mindfulness wagon every time you come across certain people. We should consider ourselves lucky if one of our biggest challenges is someone we must interact with on a regular basis. It can be great training and can make other challenges seem easy to conquer.

If a challenging person is someone whom you must interact with, this might be a good opportunity to examine WHY you MUST interact with them. If you can comfortably avoid irritating people it will make you calmer and happier. With the Great Resignation of the Covid Era, I see that many of you have done this already. That’s good. Keep doing it. It’s wise to constantly examine the media, technology, food, and, yes, people we consume mentally and spiritually. Only after irritating aspects of our lives are deemed to be unavoidable should we look for strategies for coping. Otherwise, there’s no reason to subject ourselves to toxic thoughts. We should be as careful about the company we keep as we are about the food we eat.

This piece is about the people who can’t be avoided but who also have a tendency to disturb the calmness your mindfulness practice helped create.

Let’s start with a question.

Why doesn’t YOUR challenging person irritate ME?

If you’re reading between the lines, you’re starting to see my point. If you’re thinking the way you used to before you started your mindfulness practice, you might say that this is a silly question. It’s obvious that I would have no reason to be irritated by your challenging person because I never see them or interact with them.

Your irritating person doesn’t irritate me because I don’t interact with them.

Meaning that, because I don’t interact with them, I have decided that they are not irritating. In fact, I decided to ignore them so strongly that I don’t even know who they are.

I have decided that your challenging person is not irritating.

You can also decide that your challenging person is not irritating.

I can see your smirk but hear me out.

This analogy might shed light on my reasoning.

Let’s say that you have been playing on a bowling team, “Strike and Tina,” for three years. During that time, you were always excited about playing the weekly matches and competing with the other teams. You would check the league standings as soon as you entered the bowling alley every week. You would exalt when your team would climb the rankings and sulk when your team was in last place.

During that time you had DECIDED that your bowling team’s place in the league standings WAS important to you.

Then, from out of the blue, you learn that the incredibly popular dancing school finally has an opening for its Tuesday Night Salsa Class. This class is known to be packed to the windows every week. You had been on their waiting list for over a year and are ecstatic about attending. The only issue is that your bowling league also meets on Tuesday Nights. Your schedule won’t allow you to do both activities. So, you decide to take a break from bowling in order to attend the Salsa Class.

When you stop bowling in the league, you also stop following Strike and Tina’s place in the league standings. You stop checking the league standings altogether. Upon hearing from a friend that Strike and Tina is in last place in the league, you find yourself unfazed. Your former team’s misfortunes don’t upset you at all anymore.

Why doesn’t the success and failure of your former bowling team bother you anymore?

Because now you have DECIDED that your bowling team’s place in the league standings IS NOT important to you.

What changed?

Did Strike and Tina get kicked out of the league? No.

Did the team, disband? No.

Did the bowling league disband? No.

Did the bowling alley burn down? No.

Did you sustain an injury preventing you from bowling? No.

The only thing that changes was what you considered to be worth getting upset over.

This is great news. This simple analogy illuminates how easily we can disempower any threat to our inner peace.

You can decide that your boss’ tone of voice doesn’t matter to you.

You can decide that the state of your child’s bedroom doesn’t matter to you.

You can decide that the person tailgating you on the highway doesn’t matter to you.

The first tier of non-attachment contains minor issues, annoyances, and quirks. This is the low-hanging fruit. You certainly cannot expect to make it very far in your mindfulness journey if you cannot maintain peace and clarity in the presence of an annoying cough or a dog walker who doesn’t curb their dog. At the same time, if you can master yourself through minor disturbances, your life will become immediately better and significantly so. A vast majority of the things that upset are not at all important. Conquering the inconsequential is your first obstacle. It also yields quick relief.

What about more serious issues?

Of course, the second-tier challenges are more, well, challenging. You cannot decide that the flood in your basement doesn’t matter to you physically but, with a mindful effort to keep your composure, the flood can mean a lot less to you emotionally. With mindfulness, one can bail water out of the basement, recover soaked possessions and negotiate with repairmen, all while maintaining a tranquil inner world. Through “Non-attachment” we can complete any number of tasks, both easy and challenging, without throwing our emotions off-kilter.

After all, what does getting upset have to do with draining water from a basement?

The repairmen that come to remedy the flood will do as much work as you (actually much more work than you) while not allowing it to change their mood or focus. This is because the repairmen have DECIDED that your flooded basement is not a personal crisis but simply a task that must be completed. You too can decide that your flooded basement is not a personal crisis but simply a task that must be completed. Being upset doesn’t make water leave a basement any faster. (Side Note: completing tasks while not allowing them to affect your personal composure is one of the main elements of being “a Professional.”)

All of this directly applies to our interactions with other people. When it comes to our mindfulness practice, the most difficult thing to do is to maintain a calm mind when in the company of someone else, someone who makes staying calm difficult. But, as I have stated, all disturbances, both human and inanimate, are a matter of choosing to consider them as disturbances.

So, if you can’t avoid challenging people, remember that you don’t have to avoid them. Even the most frustrating people in your life can only affect YOU as much as MY injured finger (don’t ask) affects you. Just remember that overcoming trying circumstances is a part of your mindfulness journey and that someone is only as trying as you DECIDE they are.

Burak Uzun is an award-winning writer and instructor. He has received thousands of hours of training and hands-on experience in guiding individuals with social and emotional challenges. He also co-wrote a feature film called Team Marco, which was featured in over fifty film festivals around the globe and was distributed by Samuel Goldwyn Films.

Please feel free to reach out to Burak here.

Learn more about SOCA LLC and Burak’s classes here.